Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
