Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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