Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
