I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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