someone get that fucking seahorse.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
