There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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