I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
