i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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