Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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