Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
