She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
