I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
