so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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