Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
