Need sex. Gaining weight.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
