Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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