Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
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