Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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