when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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