I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
