Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
