i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize