woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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