i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
