wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Randomize
