How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
