two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
