when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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