using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
