considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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