I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
