saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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