Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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