i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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