you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
