I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
