I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
