I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
