hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
