We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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