dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
