the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
