when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
