Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
