I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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