my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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