I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
