Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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