But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
All the doctor said was why
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
