Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
